Scandals of the Shinigami
by Ryan Moon
Summary: While recovering from his fight with Aizen, Ichigo is visited by his father. Isshin Kurosaki introduces a magazine filled with terrible stories to the group. Byakuya leads a small group of Soul Reapers in an attempt to find the source and shut it down. Little do they know that Ichigo will be wearing a night gown by the end of the day. One Shot. Suggestive themes.


Isshin Kurosaki introduces a magazine filled with terrible lies to the group. Byakuya leads a small group of Soul Reapers in an attempt to find the source and shut it down. This is all a one shot done for entertainment mainly to poke fun at some of the craziest fanfiction premises Bleach or otherwise that I've seen out there. Not saying I don't do it myself but some of these examples are to the extreme.

For simplicity for what i'm doing, Ichigo didn't lose his powers and instead of waking up at home is recovering in Squad 4's barracks. Since this is a parody...well shouldn't be a stretch.

Scandals of the Shinigami:

"Good Morning Ichigo!" Isshin screamed as he broke through the window to the Squad 4's barracks where Ichigo was recovering from his battle with Aizen.

"I'm still recovering old man!" Ichigo yelled as he managed to bring his arm up to catch the flying kick with his forearm. After a moment of struggle he managed to throw his father off of him and into the wall.

"I know! But I had to come once I heard the news." Isshin held up what appeared to be a newspaper but since he was still pulling himself out of the wall Rukia, Renji, nor Ichigo could identify what Isshin was referring to.

"What news?" Ichigo asked suspiciously as his eyes drifted towards the piece of paper that his father was still holding out.

"That my darling third daughter wasn't the first one to give me grandchildren but don't you worry. Although the circumstances aren't quite normal, your Papa is still going to be the best grandfather there is." Isshin declared with tears starting to come to his eyes after his declaration. Just thinking of the little beautiful grandchildren his son would have.

"Ichigo…" Rukia's head snapped back to Ichigo at Isshin's declaration. Her eyebrow was twitching a little as she raised her fist towards the strawberry idiot. "You have five seconds to explain."

"I don't know what he's going on about, Midget." Ichigo replied with a growl.

"Call me Midget one more time." Rukia let her fist fly only to find it blocked last second by Isshin's open palm. It took her a moment to comprehend that Isshin had actually stepped in to protect his son...this wasn't like him.

"You shouldn't hit a pregnant man." Isshin stated nonplussed by Ichigo's scream and Renji's immediate laughter.

"Ooooh guess I should be careful around a delicate flower next time we fight." Renji taunted with a grin.

"What the hell old man!" Ichigo screamed as he debated going Bankai right in the middle of Squad 4's barracks...but the thought of Retsu stopped that plan before it got off the ground.

"You should have come to me with this. The fact you are pregnant with Grimmjow's children. I would have supported you." Isshin declared right before Ichigo's dwindling patience broke as he swung his fist around and rocketed his father right back into the wall he had just climbed out of...again.

"You're a Doctor, Idiot, how would that even work?" Ichigo's eyebrow was still twitching. The fact Rukia was hiding her laughter behind her hand and Renji was straight up pointing at him while laughing didn't help.

"Maybe when he stabbed you, his blade somehow impregnated you?" Renji added with a chuckle.

"Not helping." Ichigo growled.

"Some kind of temporary uterus?" Rukia suggested in a dry tone before she whipped out a sketchbook and quickly drew up a cartoon of the supposed temporary uterus that would have been infused in his body.

Isshin was over in a flash studying Rukia's drawing and nodding along before giving Rukia a giant thumb's up with tears in his eyes. "I knew my beautiful third daughter was powerful but I never knew you were also an artist."

Renji and Ichigo deadpanned at the sight of the drawing. It had a rabbit Ichigo being stabbed by a bunny Grimmjow. Giant sperm cells were being sent down the blade into Ichigo's stomach. The next panel had a giant sperm inside Ichigo's stomach with what they assumed was a barrier as she put squiggly lines around it. The final panel had a huge Ichigo and some kind of demented sperm/Ichigo/Grimmjow rabbit baby inside.

"That doesn't explain anything!" Ichigo yelled in annoyance as Renji quietly snickered to himself.

"Does it matter? My son is going to have beautiful grand babies!" Isshin teared up as he jumped at his son with his arms out ready for a hug. "I'm coming in for a hug, permission to land!"

"Denied!" Ichigo swiftly brought his leg up and smashed his father in the face with the heel of his foot. His eyebrow twitched as he glared at his father wondering who had put this crazy notion in his father's head...although he didn't put it past the old man to come up with it on his own.

"Even while pregnant my son remains strong." Isshin's eyes watered at the declaration before he slid underneath a poster of Masaki that he had somehow set up in Squad 4's barracks without anyone being the wiser. "Oh my darling Masaki, if only you were here to witness our beautiful son giving birth to your grandchildren!"

"I'm not pregnant you old loon." Ichigo shunpo'ed across the room in a flash and brought his leg around with blistering speed. It only irritated him more when his father stopped the kick with his finger. The older Kurosaki grinning like an idiot despite the continued assault on his person.

"You shouldn't be moving like that in your condition." Without any warning he blasted past his son's defenses and hugged his son in a vice like grip.

"Yeah your condition…" Renji trailed off with a smirk causing Ichigo to glare at the Pineapple head before turning his attention back to the problem at hand.

"Come off it old man, dammit!" Ichigo growled as he used his elbow to smash his father into the ground. "What the hell got into your damn stupid brain that I'm pregnant?"

Noticing that Isshin's hand still was holding onto the paper, Ichigo quickly snatched the paper out of his father's hands. The top of the article declared that it was the Sereitei News Magazine.

The front page wasn't anything interesting to him, simply a summary of the Winter War. Nothing he didn't already know. While keeping his foot on Isshin's head, Ichigo flipped through the paper in an attempt to find anything that may have gotten his old man convinced he was pregnant. He had been waving the paper around like it contained all the information.

Finally he found it...a section called Scandals of the Shinigami. The top story was his supposed Hollow Pregnancy and the upcoming trial to determine what to do with the children. He blanched as he continued reading. It only got worse. A supposed love affair with Captain Kenpachi and...the paper dropped from his lifeless hands. He was going to be sick.

"Ichigo?" Rukia questioned with concern as she made her way over to the boy that had gone from pale to green. Perhaps all the activity was getting to him.

Renji made the mistake of picking up the paper. As Rukia led Ichigo back to his bed, Renji started reading the stories. A small smirk of amusement crossing his face. "Well look at you...all knocked up by a hollow and now you and Kenpachi are in bed together to see who can dominate who eh?"

Renji laughed as he held the paper up. "Listen to this headline! "The Captain of the 11th division and the Substitute Soul Reaper, Ichigo Kurosaki fight for dominance in the bedroom!" You can't make this stuff up!"

Rukia just raised a delicate eyebrow at Renji's declaration.

"I think i'm going to be sick." Ichigo stated as he just stared ahead unable to comprehend why someone would do this to him.

Renji continued to laugh as he read the story aloud...at least until he got to the next one. They even had a picture of this one. With Renji being carried by Byakuya. It was titled "A Royal Flush" and went into extreme detail about the supposed relationship between the Captain and Lieutenant. It even included a backstory of how the brash young Lieutenant was the first furry submissive Zanpakuto hybrid in thirteen generations.

It got worse from there. His eyes briefly read over a part where he had fused with his Zanpakuto only to submit to Byakuya and his eyes glazed over at that. Brain doing a hard reboot as he tried to comprehend why someone would do that to him.

"I...I...I…" The red head sat on the ground speechless his eyes just as vacant as Ichigo's.

"What is so bad?" Rukia sighed in annoyance as she then swiped the paper out of Renji's hands. A moment later Rukia blushed as she continued reading the stories. They were all so graphic.

Momo and Captain Toshiro of the 10th Squad had a secret love triangle going on with Rangiku. "The Captain so smooth that ladies are willing to share." It even had a picture of Toshiro clearly inebriated being held up by both Lieutenants.

Then there was one about Shunsui and Sui-Feng...although with that womanizer there was always a chance on the outside that that was true.

Finally Rukia came to the story about Renji and her brother. Her eyes going wide as dinner plates.

The door to Ichigo's suite opened with a bang not a moment later to reveal a pissed off looking Byakuya. A survey of the room confirmed the noble's fears. The paper wasn't just a terrible joke that Yoruichi had created just for him. This was all across the Sereitei, his childhood tormentor hadn't just been trying to get a rise out of him. No one dishonored the Kuchiki name. Someone was going to pay with their life.

Ichigo and his vice commander appeared shell shocked...worse yet his sister had read this trash from the look on her face. Yes someone would pay indeed. Finally his eyes found Isshin. The man was rude, idiotic, and friends with both Yoruichi and Urahara. It was most likely the man knew of the origins of this paper.

"I demand that you tell me where these slanderous lies came from and the author that would dare publish such trash." Byakuya demanded without ever raising his voice. It held a cold tone that promised pain to any that would dare disobey.

"Why would you think I'd have any idea about where any of this came from?" Isshin started to laugh as he pushed himself up off the ground.

"Very well...if you refuse to answer" Byakuya drew his sword and a moment later it started to glow with a pink hue. "Scatter Senbonzakura."

Pink blades glittered as Byakuya directed them towards Isshin. The man for all his time in the human world was still more than proficient at his Flash Step. Right before Byakuya's blades reached the irresponsible ex-captain, the man disappeared out the broken window he had come through leaving a frowning Byakuya behind.

If nothing else the failed attack at least got the attention of the three remaining residents of the room. Byakuya surveyed the three as he sealed his Zanpakuto once more. "It has come to my attention that slanderous lies are being spread across the Sereitei. The Kuchiki name has been disgraced and while I am loathe to request assistance...the faster we find where this is coming from the faster we may end this unpleasantness."

Renji was the first to snap back to attention at his Captain's appearance. The young Lieutenant also had a bone to pick with whoever was publishing this and he had a feeling he knew where to start.

"Lieutenant Shūhei Hisagi is the Editor in Chief. If anyone knows where this is coming from it has to be him." Renji volunteered as he pulled himself together.

"To the Squad Nine Barracks then." Byakuya commanded.

Squad Nine Barracks

The small group had flash stepped to the Squad Nine Barracks. A frown crossed Ichigo's face while he was crap at sensing other people he still had encountered Shūhei enough times that he usually recognized it.

"I don't sense him…" Renji trailed off as he glared at the many Squad 9 members that seemed to be whispering and pointing towards the small group. There went the idea of stopping that paper before it got out of hand.

"Hn." Byakuya internally was seething. Shūhei Hisagi had much to answer for. If he found out the man was actively hiding from him, he'd seek out the harshest punishment available.

The group was ready to start interrogating the seated officers regarding the Lieutenant's whereabouts when they heard a crashing sound from the Barrack walls. The group as a whole turned their eyes towards inner wall as a crack formed down the middle.

Not a moment later a grinning Kenpachi appeared with Lieutenant Yachiru hanging off his shoulder as usual.

"There he is Kenny!" Yachiru pointed over her Captain's shoulder with a grin plastered across her face. "I told you he'd be here!"

"Well I guess you were right." Kenpachi commented as his one visible eye zeroed in on Ichigo. The giant mountain of a man started advancing towards Ichigo. Right as his prey was starting to realize he was the target; Kenpachi struck first and grabbed Ichigo by the shoulder.

"What the hell? I don't have time for this!" Ichigo growled as he attempted to pull away from the vice like grip on his shoulder.

"You shouldn't have challenged Kenny to a battle." Yachiru giggled as she pulled herself onto her Captain's shoulder and bounced up and down a little in excitement.

"What battle?" Ichigo looked to the others for help. Byakuya of course just looked at him with a bored expression clearly uninterested in assisting him. Renji and Rukia were both attempting to keep smirks off of their faces at his predicament.

"Don't play dumb, Yachiru told me that you claimed you could dominate me in the bedroom in that stupid paper." Kenpachi grinned like a mad man. "I was going to just fight it out with you but Yachiru said it wouldn't be fair to battle you in a sword fight when your claim was originally dominating me in the bedroom. So I've decided we're going to see who can dominate who in the bedroom."

Ichigo's eyes widened as he frantically started to pull away again with renewed vigor. "No you crazy bastard! It was lies made up by Shūhei!"

"Whatever, we're settling this." Without further comment the large man threw Ichigo over his shoulder and jumped into the air.

"Rukia! Save me!" Ichigo yelled all the while he a continued his futile struggle by beating on the giant man's back in an attempt to get away.

"Captain…" Renji started now unsure of what action to take. While he loved seeing Ichigo in uncomfortable situations even he was starting to become concerned if Kenpachi was involved.

"Leave him; Kurosaki's problems are not my concern. Our primary mission is to locate Shūhei Hisagi." Byakuya turned swiftly letting his captain's haori billowing in the slight breeze.

Rukia and Renji shared a look of concern for Ichigo.

While Renji quickly fell in line behind his Captain, Rukia hesitated a moment her gaze lingering on the space in the sky that she had last seen Ichigo before he disappeared.

"Idiot." She muttered before shaking her head. The sooner they found the person responsible for this trash the better. She hoped that Ichigo would survive whatever Kenpachi had in store for him.

District 31 -

Their search had taken them far outside of the Sereitei with no sign of Ichigo. Wherever Shūhei was, the coward had gone to ground and was suppressing his reiatsu. Clearly he had felt the group searching him out.

It was starting to look like their efforts were in vain when they spotted none other than Kisuke Urahara. The man was plying his skills and had gathered an audience around the makeshift stand he had, hocking newspapers.

"Yes that's right folks! Fresh off the press, more scandals brought to you by a true inside source of information. Directly from the Sereitei itself!" The man called out to the crowd he had in front of him.

"Perhaps you want to find out about what's really going on between the 3rd seat of Squad 11 and the pink haired Lieutenant? Or perhaps the forbidden wedding of the Head of the Kuchiki clan and his adopted sister, Rukia Kuchiki, to hide their love child?" A satisfied smirk crossed his face for a brief moment before he covered his facial expressions with his fan as he noticed the approaching spiritual pressures.

Renji chose wisely not to comment as he surreptitiously glanced at his Captain and Rukia. While Byakuya's face remained impassive he could tell that Rukia had heard everything by her pale face.

The crowd quickly parted for the Kuchiki noble and a while a moment ago people had been clamoring for copies of the newest paper, a strange quiet fell across the crowd. If Kisuke was concerned he didn't show it, in fact he turned his attention to his new potential "customers" with a snap of his fan.

"Well what an honor, I never thought I'd receive a visit from the illustrious Head of the Kuchiki Clan." Kisuke fanned himself as he surveyed the three with a mischievous smirk.

"Perhaps you're all here for the latest edition? I hear there is a fabulous story about the birth of Ichigo's children. Turns out he had triplets and they have a beautiful mix of orange and blue hair."

With a snap of his fan he closed it and cocked his head as he zeroed in on Rukia. "Or maybe you have some interest in the Chappy the Rabbit? I hear there is something about that in the paper." Of course he failed to mention it was a story about Ichigo turning into a giant Chappy the Rabbit doll and being used as well...a marital aid by Shunsui.

"What? Chappy the Rabbit is mentioned?" All of her previous thoughts of this paper disappeared. Perhaps it did have some redeeming qualities after all. Without thinking that it could be a trap of some kind she grabbed the paper that Urahara was holding in his hand and quickly located the story.

Renji just shook his head but didn't comment any further. She'd learn soon enough that whatever sick mind was behind this paper wouldn't do anything good.

Byakuya leveled his gaze at the ex-captain and once traitor to the Soul Society...although he wished that it had stayed that way. The man was more trouble than he was worth.

"Something the matter?" Kisuke grinned as if he had no idea why the Captain of the 6th division could possibly be interested in his wares.

"You will tell me where you've been getting this wretched filth." Byakuya did not ask nor did he demand. His request was a given that it would be fulfilled. If Urahara dared block him in his mission he would bring the full wraith of the Kuchiki clan down upon his head.

"Now why would I know anything about that?" Kisuke grinned as he snapped his fan back and started to fan himself. "I am but a humble salesman, peddling my wares to the community."

Rukia had finally gotten to the part in the story where Shunsui had started to use Chappy the Rabbit for truly devious purposes. How dare they...how dare they disrespect Chappy the Rabbit in such a manner!

"Shall I reacquaint you with my Bankai?" Byakuya asked a slight movement of his eyebrow was the only indication that he was starting to get ticked.

A breeze blew down the street causing Byakuya Haori to rustle and Kisuke's cloak to whip about for a moment. When the breeze died down, Sui-Feng had appeared with her Zanpakuto to Kisuke's throat. "You know who's publishing these lies!"

Byakuya let a small smirk cross his lips for a sliver of a moment, just long enough for Kisuke to see. The ex-captain of Squad 12 finally let his fan drop a small grin crossing his face. Even though he appeared prepared to capitulate to Byakuya's demands, he didn't seem too concerned about the blade to his throat. "Well you certainly know how to play hardball, I didn't even see you summon for back up."

"A Captain prepares for every possibility and knows when he or she requires specialized assistance outside of their squad." Byakuya replied.

"Well...I really shouldn't…" Kisuke started before Sui-Feng's blade dug deeper into his exposed neck causing the man to decide that he had, had his fun. While he would have liked to draw this whole game out a little longer, it had, had a good run. "But for you, I'll make an exception."

"You can find the creator in Squad 13's barracks...just ask for well...just tell them I sent you for the newest batch and they'll direct you from there." Kisuke smirk turned to horror as he looked back to his stand. The stand full of his papers was on fire! The culprit was clearly Rukia. Renji was currently holding her back as she attempted another Kido attack to further destroy the stand. Providing her with the story about Chappy the Rabbit and Shunsui had been a poor choice.

Byakuya nodded and turned to head towards the barracks of the 13th. Renji followed dragging a pissed off Rukia behind him. The group left Sui-Feng to deal with Kisuke, it went without saying that it would be up to the Captain of Squad 2 to...convince Kisuke he shouldn't open another stand. Each member had different ideas of how effective that might be at stopping him.

Squad 13 barracks.

It had been a long day for everyone. While they had made their way back to the Sereitei they had discovered a third edition being released by another stand under the banner of "Kisuke Industries." It appeared that while Sui-Feng may have stopped Kisuke himself the man had some forethought into how to distribute the trashy paper effectively.

One could say a lot about Kisuke but if there was a way to make money in a way that was questionable, immoral, and shady, the man would find a way.

It had contained further terrible stories. One of Ichigo and Aizen together raising an Espada army. Another had caused Rukia to almost throw up as it had her and Kenpachi together raising the little pink haired lieutenant as a family. Renji had smashed the stand to the ground when he found another one about himself and that creepy hollow from Hueco Mundo that was always hanging around Nel.

They were currently being led down another corridor. It was with some confusion that they found themselves at the door of Captain Ukitake.

Rukia hesitantly brought her hand up to knock on the door when it suddenly opened of its own accord. An equally confused Ukitake was on the other side of the door.

"Captain Ukitake...it was you…?" Rukia whispered in a mix of surprise and betrayal.

"You wrote this filth circulating throughout the Soul Society?" Byakuya let a hint of surprise come through his voice. Of all the people he had expected it wasn't a respected Captain.

"Wait...you're not here to pick up my next batch of work for the publisher to review?" Ukitake appeared confused by the appearance of the three. Kisuke had informed him that a group he knew well would pick up his next shipment of his fictional stories.

"Publisher? Try published! Your stories are all over the Soul Society!" Renji barked out forgetting his place momentarily due to his anger. Normally he would never talk to a Captain like this.

"Oh my…" Ukitake murmured as he realized that perhaps Kisuke's intentions had not quite been pure.

"I apologize, I was trying to expand my artistic abilities as an author. Kisuke led me to believe that he was sending my works directly to publishers he had connections with." Ukitake felt a little color rising to his cheeks. For he knew exactly what some of those stories contained.

"Then it seems my wraith should be directed at the responsible party." Byakuya determined. If it was anyone other than a Captain he may have given them a lecture on trusting others. As it was, he would have to return to the responsible party, Kisuke Urahara, to inform the man of his...grievances…

Renji was about to comment further when Ichigo appeared behind the group clearly out of breath. The red head glanced over at his friend and rival before he started to smirk...

"What happened to you?" Renji asked while trying to hold in his laughter at Ichigo's appearance. His hair was done up with bows and he was still wearing a nightgown over his uniform.

"You bastards didn't even try to find me!" Ichigo started off without even trying to explain his appearance. He was lucky to be alive after what he had gone through over at the barracks of squad 11.

Rukia hid a giggle behind her hand as she also stared Ichigo up and down. "Well if we had come looking for you we may not have found out Ukitake was the author."

"You're all just lucky that Yachiru was convinced it was a battle on who could get their pre-bed rituals completed faster or I probably wouldn't be here." Ichigo growled out before he shuddered at the alternative. It indeed could have been much worse for them.

"So wait, you and Kenpachi were having a tooth brushing contest?" Renji fell over with a howl of laughter at the imagery of the two side by side at the sink in nightgowns furiously brushing their teeth.

"I don't want to talk about it." Ichigo stated petulantly as he brought his glare around on Ukitake. "And you!"

"Now now...like I explained, I didn't know Kisuke was doing anything nefarious. He simply said he had some connections with the publishing industry." Ukitake attempted to placate the angry substitute soul reaper.

"And you trusted him?" Ichigo stared incredulously.

"Of course not...which is why I sent my own collection to the area publishers." Ukitake stated happily.

The group paled as a whole knowing the implications. This had all been for naught. These terrible stories would reach far and wide...slowly twisting their good image to mocking caricatures of their true personalities.

Byakuya let out an annoyed sigh before he turned around with a swish of his haori. His lips set in a hard line.

"Ni-sama…" Rukia ventured unsure what her brother planned to do now. He looked angry...very angry.

"Come Renji...we are going to apprehend Urahara Kisuke and shut down his little business." Byakuya commented as if talking about the weather. If he could not stop the stories from getting to the publisher...he could at least take out his anger on the cause of this entire mess.

A/N: Well hopefully you at least got a chuckle out of it. Leave a review if you loved it, hated it, or whatever else you may feel for the story and its premise.


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